Dear Dykewriter Readers
Last year, I took a leap of faith and made the decision to recover.
On January 1, 2012, I woke up from a dream I couldn’t remember, but I remembered the experience of waking up, because it was so profound for me.
On December 31, 2011 – I had spent the evening meditating and considering the universe and trying to understand it.
I experienced a psychotic break with reality on June 10, 2010, which I call Deleted Evil Back story because it upsets me to think about it and that way, it’s a verbal code to stop thinking and I am able to maintain emotional control.
So on December 31, 2011 – I say dates to reinforce the event as a sort of bookmark in the old school meaning of creaking a marker not linking to something like a footnote.
Being aware of how style sheets and writing changes over the years and how technology and more common useage changes them to make them “user friendly” as they say or dumbed down for the masses as I say.
User Friendly depends on how friendly the user is.
But I digress….
The evening of December 31, 2011 I meditated and I drew a series of pictures that would allow me to explain any and everything.
The morning of January 1, 2012, I woke up and my vision was like urban camouflage – shades of grey in overlapping flat and then 3 Dimensional then shattered into tiny fragments.
I had the sense of falling with the awareness that I was in bed. I knew I was waking up and the sensation of falling had been so constant as to not be a concern.
the shards formed a whiteness around me and I had the sense of breaking through a window, my whole body was in pain now
the whiteness shattered but these were rainbow that became more and more refined.
then I felt like I had been spat out and for the first time, I was alert instead of groggy when I woke up, but alert in consicous way that I had not been in the haze of uncontroled blood sugar, always cold and exhausted from iron malabsorption which means anemic.
So at that time, I was over 360 pounds, dazed and confused and out of control blood sugars, anemic – and I need to explain something.
Being diabetic means that your hemoglobins are coated with sugar like an candy – think smarties, M&MS, reece’s peices.. wonka things or even gobstoppes with the layers.
the job of your red blood cells is to transfer oxygen into a cell and take away the carbon.
it can’t do that job if there is more than 6% covering of sugar energy powering it on the outside. it’s like a shell and that’s is where insulin resistance comes into it. it deflects like surface albedo does to the heat from sunlight.
as as a diabetic, my red blood cells are hard shell coated and now there’s less iron containing oxygen.
I am literally being suffocated by my body internally and silenced by the circumstances of the situation and the people who had the power in the situation.
I am terrified all of the time and trying to control panic – so I am hyperventialing, but I can’t show fear because that makes it worse.
from shark attack to shark frenzy
puts rocks and hard places into perspective.
fires and frying pans and frogs in boiling water.
but frogs in cold water – use sugar to protect their cells from rupturing during freezes.
which is why we can put frogs into freezers, leave them 20 years, let them out and they thaw and hop away.
Anyway. I had a fun conversation that made me feel better, got a nice blog and some documention of my healing process that is easy to share and easy for people to follow and duplicate.
Because I have been able to solve some of my problems this week with the support and help of the people around me.
Today, I started a facebook group for Lezflirt
one of the things that I am good at is event planning and workshops.
So I am seeing if I can work up some enthusiasm. ..
after all. … flirting is the basis for any new relationship
everything is so zero sum that everything really is reduced to how fuckable you are.
one way or another.
Nina's Soap Bubble Box 
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