Lezflirt: Lesbian Conversion 101

Q:
Age 42 and tired of dead end relationships with men. Decided 6 months ago to
become a Lesbian Now just trying to find a nice woman for my first experience. How do I flirt?

A:
The first issue I see isn’t how to flirt.

No one is going to respond to any sort of flirting, no matter how seductive, funny or clever, if they think that they are the fall back choice. Or, as I prefer in horse track parlance – an “also ran”.
Women are lesbians because they identify emotionally and sexually with
women. It’s not an anti-man choice, it’s a pro-woman choice.

1. Are you actually sexually attracted to women and just never acted on it?
or
2. Are you just not going for the kind of guy who can give you what you want,
and giving up and going for women?

A lot of people make the mistake of deciding all the details of their future
relationship and then try to find someone to plug into that.

The person you date, regardless of gender, is going to have their own
relationship ideas. You can’t just make up a relationship by yourself and
expect someone else to just play along.

If you decide that you want to be with a woman because you like women and
not because you’re tired / bored / sick of men, then I suggest avoiding the
bars and finding a lesbian community centre, an organization or club, a local
queer newspaper or sports team and join it.

Make sure it’s a hobby or club of an interest you actually like

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Q

Confused in Jersey writes:

Well, I am 19 years old and I love to watch women have sex
and I love looking at their bodies it just turns me on but I have a boyfriend
and I don’t know if I should tell him.

I don’t know if this means I like women or what. I never really thought about being with a woman until my best friend who is like my little sister told me that she was a lesbian 3 years ago.

Now my mind has been wondering. I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know why but they seem more interesting than a man. please tell me what u think so I can have a better idea on what’s going on. I haven’t told any body about what I am feeling.
A

Lezflirt answers:

The short and dirty answer:
Women turn you on. Does this mean you’re a lesbian? Maybe.

You have a boyfriend. You didn’t say whether he or men in general turn you
on. If he and other men do, you are probably bi.

If he and other men don’t, then you are probably a lesbian.

The more involved reply:

Talk to your lesbian friend, she knows you, knows your boyfriend, your
family, your town, and best of all she’s been through this herself.

Decide what is important to you first – continuing your current relationship OR
exploring your desires for other women.

If you decide that your current relationship is not something that you are not
prepared to lose, then you’ll need to stop processing this.

You get to decide whether or not you want to have sex with another woman – but it’s your boyfriend’s choice whether he stays in the relationship with you while you sort out your feelings.

If you decide that you need to find out if you’ve just got fantasies that are fun
to play in your head during sex or masturbation, or real desires to be with
women;  then you also need to talk to your boyfriend.

Remember, sometimes a fantasy can rock your world during sex, but actually acting it out may not be as fun as you fantasized.

He may agree to a break, during which you both see other people, he may
agree to keep seeing you and you can see other women, or he might just
break it off. He’ll be hurt, and angry, maybe curious, maybe he even knows
you’re a lesbian on some deeper level. You’ll need to be prepared for these
feelings.

I don’t know him, but some men also get violent. You know him
best, I just want you to be careful and safe and aware of the dangers.

And when you talk to him, DO NOT let him pressure you into a menage a trois
(three way) so that you can explore your sexual feelings and it “not be
cheating because you are both there”.

Three ways are very complex negotiations emotionally, and this is about your sexual feelings and not his genetically programmed fantasy. (I don’t know why, but every straight guy I’ve ever known has had the fantasy of him and two girls).

You want your first time to be you and another woman you at least like,
because it’s going to be fun, exhilarating, and a little bit scary, and totally
new.

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Q

I’m a wife and mother, and really attracted to the single mother of one of my son’s
friends. How do I approach her to see if she feels the same?

A

The first person you need to talk to is your current partner.

If you want to go outside of the relationship and explore your attraction to
another person, you have to give them the choice:

1. To stand by you and support your exploration
2. To make your relationship non-monogamous
3. To bail out.
Given that you’re in a het relationship and you have a kid, you may also want
to check out your state or province’s recent court rulings on custody and
access. Many US States will automatically give children to the heterosexual parent – even if that person is not the best parent – over the homosexual parent.

If THAT hasn’t cooled your ardour, I suggest that you engage her in a normal
conversation, and then introduce, very very neutrally, a news item about a
gay person or the gay community that was in the news recently. (There’s
always one.)

One you gage her reaction to a gay topic, you can slowly proceed, in fact, wait for  another conversation to reveal your attraction feelings.

Proceed slowly and give her and yourself a graceful out.

Best case, you connect, worse case…… take a leaf from the boy scouts and
just be prepared.