Question received directly:
maybe I’m just desperate, but some times I think a woman I’m interested in is flirting with me, and I don’t know what to say next to send the right message. since I’m married and have some social standing in the community, I have to be extremely careful about what I say. do you know of some ambiguous line I can use that gives me a way out if I misinterpret someone’s attention?
Response:
Everything in life is about choices – if your main concern is to protect your marriage and social standing, then if she is or isn’t really is not relevant.
The lessons we learned form the Bill Clinton thing is that people don’t care about who’s have sex with who, what they care about is the lying. And affairs almost always come to light. The fact of an affair will be far more hurtful and destructive later, than paving the way upfront.
If you are looking to be out of your marriage, then it’s an easier, cleaner break to do it before you are involved with someone else.
If you are looking to keep your marriage, but have a little extra on the side, then your best course of action is to talk to your wife about opening up your relationship – and that will have to go for her too.
If your wife’s agreeable, then the issue of this other woman comes in to play, but you will be free to pursue it – guilt free.
If your wife’s not, then you’ll have to decide whether you can stay in the relationship as per the original agreement you and your wife entered into it or choose to leave it to pursue other relationships.
As long as both parties in the relationship know and agree to it, open relationships and non-monogamy are viable options.
Your standing in the community is also better protected if your wife is on board and both of you are discrete in your extra curricular activities. What will generally do the public damage is the image of your wife as a long suffering sainted martyr, and instead of the community image of you now, you become the cheating husband with the questionable character and people wonder what else you’ve been up to.
As for how to figure out if someone else is flirting, if I was in your position, I would say, in a low deadpan voice, something like:
“You know, I am a married man with an understanding wife.”
“You know <suggestive pause>, I <emphasis on:> am a married man <short pause and then a little faster:> with an understanding wife.”
This could be taken to mean that the wife is understanding about affairs or a reversal play on the old bar line “My wife doesn’t understand me”.
If this other gal presses ahead with more flirting, thinking you’re wife’s okay with you seeing other women, then you know for sure.
But this line would also give you a face and reputation saving out to explain that your wife knows and understands you and that you’re happy and don’t have a need to pursue other women.
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