I became agoraphobic in August 2010.
It is hard to believe for me that it has been 4 years, since I sat down and drew a set of 24 images to explain everything.
The Ultimate Power Point in Pastel, half on black paper and half on white, some drawn in white or black – or in rainbows of hue luminosity from deep forest to neon.
It was the first night I had been able to deeply sleep and January 1, 2011 was the first morning I woke up looking forward to.
the was nothing, which shattered into black white and grey shades, like Urban Camouflage Combat uniforms, falling like shards of glass
then sound and colour, a whirlwind of everything
I made a phone call and the person I told gasped when I described it, that sense of falling, freefall, fearless of the bottom. Leap of faith she had said and I took it and learned to fear people in a way that transformed all my phobias. social anxiety… disordered…Major depression, which I think means all of them, chronic, manic and bipolar, situational. event catastrophic trauma and PTSD.
so December 31, 2011 I sat down and I drew instead of using words, because words mean too many things and are said too many ways, and images, well they are also something that are culturally primed in our awareness.
From those drawings, I learned to reconnect to words. I had been reduced to 37 toddler level words and I have built back up from there.
On the plus side, I lost about 150 pounds over the last 4 years and don’t have sleep apnea, I rarely dream but at least they are boring mundane and not nightmares. Mostly it was depression not eating and vegetarian, which for the last few months I haven’t been.
food disordered eating continues to be a major struggle and for the longest time, I though my return to carnivore would be the pork range, but it turned out to be lamb.
Today, December 31, 2015 – I took my Mom to 2 grocery stores, I didn’t talk to anyone nor was I able to make eye contact.
I only had a half cuppa before I left and I need more coffee before verbal words work.
One of the interesting to experience aspects of recovering from trauma and depression is the change in your senses.
I am not sure if senses such as sight, taste, sound, smell and even your skin’s ability to feel
actually become less and more acute in various ways or your brain simply stops interpreting data from the stream that you no longer pay attention to.
I became extremely sensitive to sounds, especually repetative machine sounds. clocks ticking, metronome or machine drum music, fans, airplanes – sounds vary in frequency and the shape of the sound wave
the drone of a fan compared to nails scraped down a black board
for vision, it’s colours that disappear and the world literally becomes more grey,
food and beverages become less flavourful
so from time to time, as my stress and anxiety levels lessen
as I become convinced to expect positive interactions with people as not only the norm
but as a given
I find that see more colours, more hues and nuanced shades – as well as suddenly having certain spectrums seem to return
such as one day, everything seemed to get yellower and brighter
but also sounds have become more distinct – ambient from background to foreground sounds
this week, I realized that I had not been hearing the full spectrum range – and this is a challenge when you are trying to listen to human voices in different pitches
if you can’t hear all the frequencies, you cannot parse for emotional content
to be able to respond appropriately or in kind.
Something to look forward to – Kathy Griffin being funny and the social medias faux rage. What will Kathy do for 2015? given what she’s done so far to Anderson Cooper… Anderson Cooper is a total sport and … Continue reading
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